I understand why you might think of or even say that phrase. But please, allow me to tell you why we who have served our country in the uniform of one or more of her armed forces, do not wish to ever hear that. It’s not necessarily a “happy” time.
What Should Not Happen
Flag folding, just “because”, that’s reserved for retreat and funerals. A firing party, just “because“, also reserved for funerals.
What Should Happen
For Memorial Day, military regs state:
[In regards to flyovers] (2) A missing man formation also may be considered on a case-by-case basis for other suitable events such as ceremonies commemorating Memorial Day, Prisoner of War/Missing in Action Recognition Day, and Veterans Day. DoDI 5410.19-V4
(1) Memorial Day, the last Monday in May. On Memorial Day, the national flag will be displayed at half-staff from reveille until noon at all Army installations. Immediately before noon, the band, if one is available, will play an appropriate musical selection, and at 1200 hours the national salute (21 guns) will be fired at all installations provided with the necessary equipment for firing salutes. At the conclusion of the salute, the flag will be hoisted to the top of the staff and will remain there until retreat. AR 600–25
d. On Memorial Day, display the ensign in accordance with the appropriate provisions of U.S. Navy Regulations. MCO 10520.3
Gun salutes also mark special occasions in our country’s history. On President’s Day, Memorial Day, and Independence Day, a standard 21-gun salute is fired at 1-minute intervals, commencing at 1200. Thus, on these holidays, the salute ends at 1220. US Navy Regulations, Chapter 9
2. On Memorial Day, each saluting ship and each naval station having a saluting battery shall fire at noon a salute of 21 minute-guns. All ships and naval stations shall display the national ensign at half-mast from 0800 until the completion of the salute or until 1220 if no salute is fired, or to be fired.
National flags flown at half-mast (or half-staff ashore) are an internationally recognized symbol of mourning. The United States honors its war dead on Memorial Day by half-masting the flag from 0800 until the last gun of a 21-minute-gun salute that begins at noon (until 1220 if no gun salute is rendered). US Navy Regulations, Chapter 12
13.3.6. Wreath-laying ceremonies honoring national patriotic observances in solemn remembrance or celebration can be held for the following: Memorial Day, [etc.]. AFI 80-1201
7.39. Army, Navy, and Department of the Air Force Gun Salutes.
7.39.1. When gun salutes are fired at Army or Navy installations to honor a living person, all individuals in the ceremonial party salute and spectators stand at attention. When gun salutes are fired on Independence Day and Memorial Day, all individuals face the flag, if visible, or the site of the saluting guns, if the flag is not visible, and salute. AFPAM 34-1203
“Tell me I’ve led a good life. Tell me I’m a good man…”
Ryan’s statement at the grave is not really about whether he had a résumé of good deeds. It is about whether his life was worthy of the sacrifice made for him. That is why his wife’s reaction is so important—she sees a good husband, father, and man standing in front of her, but he is standing in two timelines at once. She is seeing the life. He is feeling the cost.
It’s quite possible that many veterans hear some version of Ryan’s request, even if they never deployed, never fired a weapon, never lost a friend in combat, or never experienced what Ryan experienced. The words do not apply identically, but they resonate because military service places a person inside a moral structure built around duty, sacrifice, remembrance, and obligation. You do not have to have been in combat to feel the weight of those ideas.
I stood at many, many cemeteries and monuments across Europe where Americans are buried or remembered. I carried the colors in places where the dead could not speak for themselves. I have trained others so they would not cheapen ceremonies through ignorance or carelessness. I built an entire body of work around standards, reverence, and accuracy. I have corrected myths not because I enjoy conflict, but because ceremony is supposed to serve memory—not ego, convenience, or theater.
That is a form of “earning this” (what the Captain told Ryan on the bridge). Not in the impossible sense of repaying the dead. No one can do that. But in the only human sense available: receiving the inheritance seriously and refusing to treat it casually.
There is also a mercy in Ryan’s wife’s reaction. She does not give a speech. She simply affirms what he cannot affirm for himself in that moment. Sometimes we need someone outside the echo chamber of memory to say, “Yes. You are a good man. You led a good life.”
My reverence for those who have gone before me occasionally turns inward and asks whether I have been faithful to what I know matters.
The Sorrow
Many of America’s men and women deployed to different conflicts in foreign lands. Some came home in a flag-draped transfer case laden with their remains and dozens of pounds of ice. The memory of these men and women are what Memorial Day is all about.
Dear Madam,
I have been shown in the files of the War Department, a statement by the adjutant General of Massachusetts, that you are the mother of 5 sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle.
I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine that would attempt to beguile you of the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from rendering to you the consolation that may be found, in the thanks of the Republic they died to save.
I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have ever laid so costly a sacrifice upon the alter of freedom.
Yours very sincerely and respectfully,
Abraham Lincoln
The Joy
Maybe some still cannot fathom how anyone could have joy at a time that recalls so much sacrifice. But, there is a certain joy. A joy of thankfulness that someone would stand up to tyranny. Someone who runs toward the danger. Someone who sticks their neck out for others and risks everything.
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
John 5:13
The Negative
I am aware of the arguments that condemn the actions of combat. That condemnation belongs to those “elite” who make and profit from war, not the average Soldier, Marine, Sailor, Airman, Guardian, or Coast Guardsman. Their heart is in the right place when that individual raises their right hand and takes the Oath of Enlistment or the Oath of (Office) Commissioning.
However, now is not the time to protest wars or stand on the flag. You have the right to free speech and to be ungrateful, disrespectful, and communicate in a most idiotic fashion, but maybe just not this weekend. Families are in mourning.
The Positive
Many honor guard members render honors every day. It’s what we do and, for many, what we love. It’s not as though anyone is filled with glee at the announcement of a funeral. We seek and relish the opportunities to render honors to our brothers and sisters who have gone before us. It is a truly fulfilling experience every single time.
I retired from the US Air Force in 2005 after serving for 20 years. During my time, my specialties did not necessarily deploy except on very rare occasions. That has changed since my time in the service. I served overseas and stateside, but I never went into a battle zone, by the grace of our Lord and Savior. I was given the opportunity to render honors to my fallen brothers and sisters as an Air Force Ceremonial Guardsman at multiple locations around the world.
I have given folded flags to the next of kin, and stood for hours on end as a member of a color guard for wreath laying ceremonies and commemoration ceremonies at many American Cemeteries where tens of thousands of our men and women are buried: St. Mihiel Cemetery, France; Luxemburg Cemetery, Luxemburg; Ardennes, France; Flanders Field Cemetery, Belgium, Henri-Chapelle Cemetery, Belgium; Netherlands (Margraten) Cemetery, Netherlands; Brittany Cemetery, France; Normandy Cemetery, France; Somme Cemetery, France; and Oise-Aisne Cemetery, France; and countless ceremonies at various sites throughout Belgium, Netherlands, Luxemburg, France, Germany, and Okinawa, Japan.
To stand and stare at a sea of white crosses and stars was and still is humbling and the very least I could do to honor their memory.
All I’ve wanted to do is stand tall for them.
“Tell me I’ve led a good life, tell me I’ve been a good man” echoes a great deal of truth.
Conclusion
Have a wonderful weekend, enjoy the time with family and friends, and, if you would, even for just a moment, thank the fallen for their ultimate sacrifice. Please don’t thank those of us who are still around. They believed they were protecting their friends and families and the future of our great nation and the free world.
The main picture is courtesy of my friend, former US Navy Ceremonial Guardsman Alec White who was a Casket Bearer with the Navy Ceremonial Guard in Washington, DC.